Two Types of Spontaneity In Dating To Be Aware Of

spontaneity in datingMany people out there pride themselves on being spontaneous. Indeed, spontaneity is generally a positive quality. It suggest other attractive qualities which come with being spontaneous, such as sense of adventure, being unpredictable and not boring, and having a lot of interesting things to offer.  Whoever is able to just pack a bag and take a trip (oversees) without much planning deserves a degree of admiration for being able to just leave it all behind and not let his obligations to stand in a way of what he really wants to do. Being able to change plans or adjust to a situation quickly when necessary also shows attractive flexibility and courage. Suppose your favorite restaurant where you are supposed to meet someone is closed. Instead of canceling dinner, you quickly come up another place to go that’s just as good or better. Or, more significantly, think about the people who shortly after being laid off from their job start their own business without having ever planned to do so until they lose their job. Those kinds of stories usually make to prime time TV.

However, like many other things, spontaneity can be very unattractive when taken to an extreme and being used by people to justify not being able to make plans, or flaking / constantly canceling dates and other commitments, or being chronically late. I have a few friends who are very nice and very interesting people, but who are also unable to plan anything. When they call me, they ask me if I can meet them and hang out with them right then and there. When I say that I am usually not available on such short notice, they ask me what’s wrong with me and why I can’t be spontaneous. To me they sound reckless at best. When I suggest to meet the day after or sometime later in the week, they tell me that they don’t like to plan and they would rather play it by ear. I also remember dating or rather trying to date a few women in the distant past who would tell me on Tuesday “how about you call me on Friday afternoon and I will let you know if I am available that evening.” This is not the kind of spontaneity that would ever flatter anyone, because there are two major problems with it. First, it suggests that you are inconsiderate – you expect the other person to put everything on hold and wait for you to make up your mind at the last moment.

Besides being inconsiderate, the above kind of “spontaneity” can even be offensive, as it implies that the other person who is supposed to be waiting for you till the last moment has no life or other commitments, options, or obligations, and that his or her time is less valuable than yours.

Some people think that planning everything makes for one boring life. The reality is, however, that if you learn how to plan certain things the right way, it will make your life and your dating life far more interesting by allowing you to do more, accomplish more and make a far better impression on other people. And the best part is that you can combine planning with being spontaneous in a way that will make you appear far more interesting. Here is a simple example: if you are a guy who wants to plan a trip with the girl you started dating, you can plan a lot of fun things to do on that trip without telling her, because you would want to surprise her. And, if you run into something interesting along the way, you can still be open to deviating from your plans and doing something different. This doesn’t mean that you should be a slave to your calendar; there are times where you can break free form any planning and there are places you can go to not even be accessible to anyone, and it’s your choice when and how to make it happen when you are on vacation or otherwise. But, when it comes to relationships with others in general, and dating specifically – being able to plan will not hurt you but will only help you, especially if you combine it with the right type of spontaneity ,as mentioned above.

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About practicalh

Practical, effective dating tips and relationship advice.
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gold price
gold price
10 years ago

Much like other aspects of dating, banter is a skill and one that improves with study and practice. Part of what counts in banter and wit is timing and delivery as much as the actual lines, and it certainly doesn’t hurt to have some examples to study while you’re working on being able to respond quickly to a straight line.

student and teacher
student and teacher
10 years ago

I agree. There needs to be both a balance of predictability and surprise. In general, having specific plans should be the rule whereas being spontaneous should be an every now and then exception.