On Suggesting to a Woman To Be Friends With Benefits

(Last Updated On: 10/14/2015)


A reader asks: 

I became really good friends with a girl at work. We proceeded to date for 2 months.  A ton of flirting in-person and via text (strong sexual tension) was very common between us.  One day she told me she wasn’t interested in a relationship with me because she just got out of a string of bad ones and that she sees me as a friend.  I impulsively said that that’s fine since we both work together and office romances never end well. Then brought up the idea of being friends with benefits, and she got really mad. I tried to apologize in person and via text to no avail.  She kept ignoring me (2 months now). I see her every day and it’s awkward. What should I do? 

PH Answers: 

First, an important lesson is to be learned. Certain things can be done but they usually cannot be openly suggested. Many women would be offended by this open proposition, even if otherwise they would be quite open to having casual sex. There are just certain things that you just shouldn’t say, because women don’t feel comfortable talking about it or admitting that they would go along with it.

As an extreme example, imagine meeting a girl, having a couple of great dates with her and then telling her over coffee, before you ever have sex with her “I would love to cum all over your face and lips.” Chances are she will get really offended or even slap you and run away. But this doesn’t mean that she wouldn’t be open to it if you just skipped talking about it, and tried to go for it in the heat of the moment, when that moment comes.  The same applies to your situation. When the girl says she is not ready for a relationship, you just say “ok” and act as if she didn’t say anything at all, and see if she would be open to having, rather than talking about casual sex. This is ironic, because the very same things that would be offensive to a woman when you just meet her or during the very early stages of your interaction with her, can be an ultimate turn on later (i.e. role playing, name calling, domination, etc.)

At this point, there is nothing you can do more than you already have. Yes, it might be awkward to see her every day, but this awkwardness will fade with time. You don’t need to try to apologize any more. You have already made it clear that you regret upsetting her.


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Practical, effective dating tips and relationship advice.
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