Are You Guilty Of Talking Too Much On a Date?

talking too much on a dateTalking too much on a date or before that first date when you just met someone new and have been chatting with them online is one of the most unattractive things a man or a woman can do. Excessive chattiness literally kills romantic interest and attraction where it might have actually had potential. We have all been there – we have been on a date with someone we thought was attractive physically, but who “neutralized” our attraction and turned us off completely by talking too much and making us tired of their company.  We have all known someone who drained us by talking way too much about themselves, their lives, and their various opinions on things, or even worse – their accomplishments or conversely – their problems. That person usually dominates the conversation and makes you feel like you are listening to a radio. We often need a few good hours to “recover” from hanging out with such a friend. Just go out anywhere and notice that usually, there is someone in a group of people, who speaks way more than everyone else and even way more than everyone else combined. It would appear that he or she is giving a speech and the rest of the group are the audience in that situation.

Whether you are a single guy or a woman, it is critical to your ability to meet, attract and date people that you don’t talk too much when you meet someone, on a first date, or even later. Talking too much doesn’t flatter anyone, and in most cases it sends a clear message that you are trying too hard to impress and in all the wrong ways. The worst part is that talking too much is like bad body odor – everyone notices it and everyone is turned off by it, but no one will ever dare to call you on that, so you are the only person who can monitor that and make sure that you don’t turn your potential or actual dates off by talking too much.

I believe that understanding the main reasons why people tend to talk too much on a date, when they meet someone who they might be romantically interested in is important to eliminating the problem and making sure that you don’t turn off the people you meet by talking too much. The most common reasons that some people are excessively chatty are (1) being nervous on a date and trying to beat nervousness by talking non-stop; (2) desire to avoid awkward moments of silence; (3) a desire to impress the other person with who we are, what we do, and how much we know; (4) fear that if you don’t talk enough, the other person will be bored.

Let’s consider each concern separately:

If you try to beat nervousness by talking more than you usually would, it might be ok for you to talk too much in the very beginning – for a few minutes – in order to break the ice and feel more comfortable around the other person, but once you feel that you are no longer nervous, there is no reason to continue being overly chatty. Let the other person talk. Speak less and ask more questions. Show your interest in getting to know the other person if you are, in fact, interested.

If you are concerned about those awkward silences that so many people are afraid of, you should consider that a few seconds of quiet time in a conversation are not as big of a deal as you might think, and that’s surely better than overwhelming the other person with non-stop conversation and not allowing your company or yourself time to think or breathe while talking.  Just think about some of the most memorable romantic movies you watched. Many of them included scenes where the lovers don’t really say that much too each other. They enjoy the moments of silence and don’t attribute much negative connotation to it. While real situations are of course not the same as movies, if you maintain a certain level of comfort when not saying anything, that will make your company feel at ease and not worry about not talking all the time while out with you.

If it’s impressing your date that you are trying to do by talking too much and telling her all about how wonderful you are, you should keep in mind that usually by trying too hard impress you are being counterproductive – you come across as an insecure and nervous person who feels that strong urge to prove how great he is as early as possible. That’s usually very unattractive and there is no reason to do that – there is no reason to tell that new person you met or went out on a date everything about yourself right away. If you get along and like each other when you meet, you will have many opportunities to talk about many things in the future, so save some of what you have to say and share for later.

If you are trying to make sure that your date is not bored, you should keep in mind that it’s what you are talking about and what you are saying that matters so much more than how much you talk. In fact, you are more likely to bore that other person and make them stop listening to you when you tire them out by talking too much. Think about your school teacher. How long could you possible focus on listening to a teacher who was talking non-stop, before your mind will drift far far away from what was going on in class? How much easier and more fun it was for you listening to a teacher who makes short but interesting and useful statements without being redundant and without elaborating more than needed.

While both men and women are often guilty of talking too much on a date, this is more of an issue with women. As a woman, however, by not talking too much, you have a good chance of standing out as a more attractive and even more sophisticated woman. I hate to refer to movies again, but if you think of some of the most fascinating roles that women play in some of your favorite movies, you will notice that they use words sparingly for, among other things, greater impact when she does talk.

Like with many other things, no one will likely point out to you that you talk too much even if they are bothered by it, and it is your own responsibility to monitor yourself and make sure that you don’t make this mistake of being way more talkative than you should be. Being aware of this issue is good first step toward eliminating this habit and making sure that it doesn’t stand between  you and the people you want to go out, attract and date.  It might be also worth it for you to ask a few of your trusted friends, who are known to be more direct and more candid than others, about whether they think you talk too much.

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About practicalh

Practical, effective dating tips and relationship advice.
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silver account
silver account
9 years ago

Hey Chase, I introduced myself to a girl at a Stop and Shop by complaing about a torn bag at the meat counter, we went from laughing about it to small talk and I started to get nervous not being able to think of what to say so SHE realized this and started talking about her school commute. While we talked she would play with her necklace and when we both realized I couldn’t keep the conversation going she mentioned she’s “always around” (she works there). Should I move on or should I approach her again next time I see her?

student and teacher
student and teacher
9 years ago

Glad to see you still writing these articles, Arkady.

My rule (generally, not specifically) is to never speak more than 3 sentences at once (unless she asks you to explain something in detail). I always let my date speak after that.

I think all 4 reasons you mentioned are valid, however, there is one MUCH bigger and more common reason why people talk too much.

It is fear of being judged.

If you say something short or ambiguous, there is a fear that the other person will misinterpret it. This fear is especially common for people who have known a lot of nit-pickers in their life or people who have a habit of accidentally saying the wrong words. There is a fear the other person will argue and misrepresent you. There is a fear the other person will make radical assumptions about your statement. There is a fear that you will come off as someone you aren't if you don't make a huge elaboration in the tiniest and most general of statements.

I've learned to overcome this by just assuming the best and ONLY addressing these problems when they come. Not by trying to pre-emptively say a whole bunch of problems that probably would have never happened.