When Your Guy Watches Porn

(Last Updated On: 08/04/2014)

guy watching pornIt is not uncommon for a woman to become extremely frustrated, jealous, angry and upset when she finds out that her dating partner/boyfriend/husband routinely watches porn on his computer or TV. This usually causes a woman to become jealous and doubt her own looks and self-worth, putting pressure on her to try and look like one of those models on the sites. What should she do? Should she dump the guy and move on or should she try to resolve this issue with the guy who she otherwise has a good relationship with and has feelings for?

While I cannot unilaterally and unequivocally answer this question, I would like to bring to your attention several, essential factors that you must consider and which may help find an effective solution to this problem and aleviate your pain and frustration:

1. Whenever I address a certain issue or a problem which is very common, I believe that it’s very useful to not waste time, energy and emotions on criticizing it, but instead try to understand it first. After all, if the problem is so common, there must be some compelling reasons for its existence that are worth consideration. This clearly applies to porn. Pornography is a multi-billion dollar industry. In fact, it’s one of the most profitable industries in any economy. It’s driven by one of the most powerful human desires  – male sex drive that craves constant novelty and variety. Some guys will admit it while others are embarrassed to face the truth, but almost all guys watch or used to look at porn, get excited and masturbate to porn at one time or another in their life. Porn industry appeals to the mens most sexually explicit fantasies – fantasies that they can hardly ever fulfill in real life.

2. There is no point in being jealous of the porn models on the internet. These are just abstract images of other women. You must not compare yourself to them, because to your guy it makes absolutely no difference who is more attractive. He is not looking for something more attractive on the internet; he is looking for something new, something different – no more and no less. This drive cannot be eliminated or suppressed, as long as the guy is healthy and sexually driven. Your guy’s watching pornography doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you or is not attracted to you. In fact, it has nothing to do with it.

3. Like anything else, watching porn should be done in moderation. Excessive, daily porn use and masturbation to porn will significantly reduce or even fully suppress the guy’s desire to have sex with his own partner. If you were to ask your guy to completely stay away from porn  for 3-5 days, you are guaranteed to have a much better, and a much more passionate lover. But how do you make sure that your dating or relationship partner doesn’t abuse porn? Like with all other issues, open and honest communication is the key. First, you must accept that your guy will watch and enjoy porn every now and then. You have to tell him that it’s ok with you, asking him to be discreet about it and not “rub it” in your face. Then, you should discuss how his excessive use of porn reduces his sex drive towards you and how it affects your relationship. This might just make your guy reconsider the frequency with which he uses porn and get stimulated through internet less often.

4. There is another, somewhat unconventional and radical but very effective and exciting way to solve this problem – join him and watch his porn together! There are thousands of porn websites out there, that appeal to just about every conceivable fantasy. Join your partner and try to find movies that appeal and arouse both of you, and that might just ignite your romantic life in ways that nothing else could. After all, if you can’t beat something, why not try to befriend it and benefit from it. You might just discovery a world that is very different from what you thought it is.

Related Posts

About practicalh

Practical, effective dating tips and relationship advice.

Bookmark the permalink.
  • kellie

    why cant he pleasure himself to thoughts or pictures of me???

  • @ Kali
    It's important to remember that men and women are not alike in many respects. Therefore, telling your boyfriend not to masturbate to porn because you don't is not the most convincing argument. The desire to stop has to come from him. If I were you, I would suggest to him starting moving away from porn in small steps. How about asking him not to watch porn or masturbate for 2-3 days, then have sex with you and see if it makes any difference – whether he enjoys being with you much more. If he does, this in itself will discourage him from watching porn or it will at least reduce the amount of porn he watches.

    Many guys out there, and at some age – most guys watch porn and masturbate to it, and as hard as it might be – you can't take it personally. These porn stars are not someone your boyfriend knows or will ever meet.

  • Kali

    I cant help but be hurt….my boyfriend constantly jacks off to extremely trashy women. it makes me not want to have sex with him…i can please myself instead but im sorry i don't need to look at another penis, although i thought about saving some on my phone just so he can see how it feels

  • ren

    While some women do enjoy porn and true guys can't be physical with a screen, I disagree with your comment they return to their partners for physical enjoyment. Some do, some don't. My ex husband was so addicted to porn and masturbated so often that he never was in the mood for me or was too tired sexually. It had nothing to do with pushing him away. I always made myself sexually available and rendered to his every need or desire when HE asked…..he was the one who pushed me away and neglected my needs. He thought porn was better than me or he wouldnt have pushed me away and neglected me instead of taking care of his needs to porn.

  • Anonymous

    @Haus, you talk like your a parent who did it and regrets it, EVERY guy will do it in there life time expectualy teen boys. This is because when you grow up thing grow and boys get curious theres nothing wrong with it its perfectly natual and the boy shouldnt be punished for it. When or if they get caught then the parent (preferably the father) should have a talk with the boy say that its fine its part of growing up people get curious you cant stop that.

  • Jasmine

    @Michael,

    I wish my partner would see this the way you did. I gave him the choice of watching porn with himself or sex with me. He eventually chose pron and still expects things from me which I dont understand. This is really tearing our relationship apart unfortunately but Im sure I will find someone that is willing to make the compromise.

  • Jasmine

    @to chrsty,

    I strongly disagree with this. If you were in a relationship and you find out that your partner is "getting off" by watching others put on a show for them as well as them sending pictures back, how would this make you feel? I honestly see this as cheating as they are both doing sexual things on the site to make the other sexually pleased. Christy is giving him plenty of sexual pleasures by the sounds of it so i dont see why he should be trying to get pleasures from another. If you want to be in a committed relationship, DONT GO ON SITES WHERE YOU HAVE "CYBER-SEX". I also think a person shouldnt be watching porn so much if they are in a relationship and really love their partner. Everyone can control themselves and do not need to use these types of things. Imagination while masturbating and sex with your partner should be enough. And it is completely bull that men do this because they are men. They can control themselves and shouldnt be using any excuses. We know what we should and shouldnt do when in a relationship, and if you choose to continue doing wrong by your partner, dont be in a relationship. It obviously hurts her very much but yet he continues to do it? That isnt real love. He should at least be compromising. If he doesnt, she should move on and find someone that will, she will never be happy there otherwise. If he is doing "cyber-sex" as well, I am sure he will end up having sex with another in person. He continues to do these things because he knows he can get away with it no matter what. He knows that she will not leave him so he abuses that. I believe she should leave, even if its just for a few days, to make him realise she isnt going to accept this anymore. If he still continues to do this after she comes back, she can either accept it or move on. He clearly isnt ready to grow up yet. If he doesnt chase after her when she leaves, she will find someone better than him. She needs someone that will respect her feelings and compromise.

  • ana

    Making women feel bad about their negative reactions to porn use is gaslighting, plain and simple.

  • to chrsty

    seriously…..seriously???? its a site where he engages with a woman that he will never meet for a "cyber" chat that arouses him and enables him to pleasure himself. Believe it or not that live chats are a lot better for him to be watching than regular porn.. Since porn has made a huge shift in degradation of woman and has began mostly treating them like whore and even asking of them to say "im your whore" has affected most man in whats the norm with sex now days… He probably does not even have a membership like most men on those sites… Which means he does not really even interact with them because there is no way those woman are going to talk to a guest member due to the fact there are millions of them online and not one has the resources to pay for anything even a peep show…the only reason he favours that site is due to the fact its more "raw" and feels more likely to be real…Which is also the reason amateur porn has been becoming very popular… Stop being jealous ,,,, he is going to masturbates on that sire or another …and if this is how he gets his energy out and spends his alone time ….BE HAPPY cause there are lot of REAL bad things he could actually be doing where you should be worried about how he spends his time alone..

  • Becca

    Christie, he's cheating on you if he's on sites that have interaction. Leave the dumb, prick bastard.

  • christie

    sorry for the long reply but how can I get help if people don't know the full story?

  • christie

    These comments are very helpful but I am still unsure what to do. My partner watches porn at least 4 times a week, sometimes every day of the week. Mostly just images which don't worry me too much but he has also been visiting a lot of web cam sites (like "sleazycams.com") which bothers me more because he is actually interacting with these women. It doesn't help that he works shift work and I work long hours every day of the week nearly.

    We still have a healthy sex life, I still turn him on and we both pleasure each other immensely, which is what confuses me even more. I mean, we don't have sex every day (as it is impossible with shift work sometimes) but we still find time for each other, around 3-4 times a week. The shift work only bothers me because he is home alone a lot of the time and I have no idea what he gets up to, I only know nothing at home gets done so he could be spending all day on the computer.

    This isn't recent, it has been happening most of our relationship (been together over 4 years) and we have had many discussions about it over the years. One year, which nearly tore me apart, was him spending naked photos of himself (that I took of him early in our relationship) to some woman on a cam site "because she wanted a photo of him so she knew who she was talking to." Another time, he was looking at porn while next to me on the lounge and when I left & went downstairs because I was so pissed off because he had been neglecting me sexually, he jerked off. He didn't even try to deny it and I had totally believed he didn't want me anymore, this time all he could say was "I can see how you would think that." Just recently, I found out he was talking to a woman he used to chat to and have cyber sex with when he was younger (not sure if it was before we were to together or maybe even the woman on the cam site he had sent photos to years earlier – I was not strong enough to ask that as that would have been the end of us) and she was asking him to send her money, which he was seriously considering giving her as I saw him on Western Union, etc (but said he didn't).

    Each one of these "discussions" concluded with him saying he would never go on cam sites again (which he has just started using again) and he would limit his porn usage, which only lasts for a month or so then he reverts to old habits. I am sick of the routine we keep getting into -letting my anger and hurt pile up until I burst, him apologising and swearing the same old things (he loves me, porn means nothing, he will stop, etc) then just getting back into the same pattern within months. I am sick of having to ask him to limit porn. I told him I don't mind him looking at porn every now and then (just no cams and as long as I am not in the house), I have taken him to sex shops and even bought him pornos to watch, I have watched porn with him, I dress up for him, make him videos/send him photos, and try to do everything he watches on the internet. I have even said I would do girl on girl for him. Nothing changes and I don't know what to do about it.

    I've only just been recording his porn usage recently now by looking in his computer history when he happens to leave the computer logged in and unattended (he has his own computer login with password). This is where I get my stats from. I think he knows I do this (but I never have told him and he never asks) so doesn't leave it logged in often now and he wants his own computer now. I know I invade his privacy but I can't trust him anymore. He says he would never leave me for another woman or cheat on me but how can I trust him when he keeps so much from me. Is my only last option is to try counselling? I really don't think I am the only one with a problem. I just don't feel it is a good sign to resort to counselling so early into a relationship. I don't even know how I would broach the subject to him or if he would come. He's not the sort of person to talk about how he feels. I'm also scared counselling will tear us apart and I love him so much, I can't image life without him. I am in such a hard place.

    I think porn is a habit for him; he has been doing it since he was a teenager and may not know how to kick it (or want to, even for me). I wish there were programs for quitting porn like there are for quitting smoking. I gave him the opportunity early in our relationship so he can experience other women (I was his first so his behaviour may stem from that also) but he said no. What more can I do?

  • Michael

    Thank you, Arkady. This is a very interesting topic. I don't support double standards either but like you said, men and women are different and as a result, certain expectations and conditions exist in relationships/dating from both sexes. Thanks again!

  • practicalhappiness.c

    Hi, Michael. Well, merely having this kind of reflection must be very helpful to you in understanding yourself. Not to suggest that I support a double standard, but I tend to believe that just because you are unhappy that your female partner would watch porn (which is similar to feeling jealousy over her admiring another guy in "action" with a woman, as you pointed out yourself) doesn't mean that it's bad for you. Were you a hypocrite? I am not sure. Men and women are different, so expecting something from a woman that you can't deliver is not necessary always unfair.

  • Michael

    Thanks for your response, Arkady.

    My views toward porn have been harsher recently. Several months ago, my ex-girlfriend admitted to me that she has watched some porn. At the time I pretended to be cool about it but on the inside I was bothered; it hurt to know that she was getting off from watching other people have sex.

    I guess when you’re in an intimate relationship with someone it’s nice to think of yourself as the “king” or the “man” of her sexual pleasure. When you find out that she seeks sexual pleasure that isn’t from you, such as watching porn, it shatters your ego and makes you feel bad.

    After getting mad at her, I got mad at myself because I knew that I was a hypocrite. As a result, I got mad at the human race for being such dirty barbarians.

  • practicalhappiness.c

    Hi, Michael. Thanks for your feedback. This is a very interesting view. I don't think I have ever met a non-religious man who felt guilty about watching porn. I can only wonder what the origin of your feelings is. The best part about porn is that no one is forced to watch it. If it makes you feel bad, you of course shouldn't be using it. Also, perhaps different kinds of porn have a different effect on you. Well, only you know.

    Surely, very few, if any, of us would want to see our mothers or sisters do porn, but hey – I would hope that most women (and men) in porn are there voluntarily and for profit. They choose to be in that business and sell their beauty/sexuality. I used to think that they do it out of desperation and poverty, but so many of them seem to be well bred, American born women who even have college degrees and other things going for them.

    I have little doubt that this kind of work is degrading to a woman, but having had a chance to hear a few porn starts talk about their lives, they say that they enjoy what they do. Is it true or are they just saying that to make themselves feel better? I wouldn't know, but then again – this is off point.

    Thanks,

    A.

  • Michael

    Normally, I agree with what you say, Arkady – but not this time.

    I know it's a profitable industry and many people enjoy it, but does that make it right? Cigarettes and hard illegal drugs are also very profitable industries and many enjoy them as well – but does that make those pleasures right?

    I am not religious; my opinion is strictly personal. And I admit it – I have viewed porn before, but after I view it, I am not proud. It just seems that as human beings there is something barbaric and pathetic about getting off while watching people sex it up with each other.

    Perhaps I am being intolerant of human nature with my unfavorable opinions about porn, but the way I feel is the way I feel…

    There's another thing that doesn't seem right: what if it was our own mothers or sisters in the video? Sure, it's perfectly okay if we get off on watching someone else's family member but how would we react if it was our own loved one getting dirty things done to them for others’ amusement? I doubt most of us would feel proud and if we don't feel proud then it's safe to say there is something inherently wrong with porn.

    Masturbation is perfectly healthy and it's natural that we get in touch with our sexuality. I consider it a better alternative to use the imagination when pleasuring oneself.

    As I have said, I have viewed porn and I have not been proud of it – but I’m not trying to defend my character here. I just think that porn is neither acceptable nor right.

    Thank you, Arkady.

  • Haus

    damn, I used to watch porn before I heard about my “my best friend“ but I’ve been caught for watching at porn at home when my parents first found out that I watched porn. Now, after my parents are divorced and I still watched porn a long time afterwards. Now I quitted watching porn cause of my so-called girlfriend…

    This is very important for **young boys** to not watch porn on the web. This is a very confusing but it might brush up my mind some of what I did before, after I met this “girlfriend“ by chatting…

    This is a confusing article, and I want to warn younger teenage boys that this might not be a good idea when your parents find out what you are doing…

    I know it’s a lot of boys watching porn, it’s strict rules that tells those boys that it’s not a good place to be when you’re just a kid.

    It’s might not a good idea…

  • Zelda

    Join him! Great idea. You get a chance to perhaps learn what he likes so you can make your own relationship better. If your partner is the shy type, sometimes this is the only way you will learn what really turns him on.

  • Mary

    I don't consider this to be true across the board, some women are turned on by it and it can spice up their sexual relationship. It's impossible for a man to get physical with a screen! They intend to turn to their partners for the physical enjoyment. It's only when women push the man away their is a danger of them roaming!