How Long Should You Wait Before Having Sex with the Guy You Met

flirting-attractionOne of the more common questions that single women ask is how to make sure that the guy they met and started dating is interested in more than just sex, and how long they should wait before having sex with the guy they started going out with to make sure the guy is not just using them sexually.

Here is my answer based on my own experience and the experience of dozens of guys I observed, talked to and exchanged experiences with, encouraging them to be as candid as possible:

First, although there is some correlation between waiting to have sex and commitment, its definitely not a hard rule, and there are just too many exceptions and real-life examples out there that prove that waiting to have sex and commitment don’t always go together. Just because you make the guy wait, doesn’t mean he is not going to stop seeing you after you have sex with him a couple of times when it eventually happens, especially if he finds sexual connection with you to be less than satisfying. Of course, there is always a risk that he is having sex with someone on a side while “waiting” for you.

Surely, making a guy wait might weed out those guys who are only interested in having sex with you, but it will also push some great guys away who could be a great match with you, as many guys simply don’t like to be tested that way and don’t like to be put in a position where they have to wait just for the sake of waiting.  When the girl makes them wait for months as some kind of test that they have to pass in order to “earn” having sex with her, it will have the opposite effect on many guys and will actually push them away – and not just because they were only interested in sex, but because they simply don’t like that kind of dynamic between them and the girl they started seeing.

On the other hand, having sex on a first/second date might send a message to a guy that you are a slut or are otherwise unworthy of respect and being taken seriously in some cases, but in others, it might be a beginning of an exciting relationship, both physically and otherwise. What matters more is: (1) what the guy wants at that point in his life; and (2) whether he likes you, enjoys your company, and finds physical connection with you to be gratifying. If, for instance, has sex with you on the same day that he meets you or on your first date, because both of you feel strong connection sexually and otherwise and decide to act on it, and both of you end up having a great time together and not because of alcohol but because you truly like each other, it’s possible that it will turn into a beginning of a serious, long-lasting relationship.

Your interest in knowing men’s intentions before having sex with them is understandable, but you may be surprised to learn that often guys themselves don’t really know what they want. When a guy is physically very attracted to you, he might honestly believe that he wants more than just sex from you, but shortly after having sex once or twice with you, he might suddenly realize that that’s all he wanted and he just doesn’t want any kind of commitment from you or anyone else at that point, or that he just doesn’t like you all that much.

Also, regardless of whether you have sex with on a first date or months after you started going out, as you get to know each other, you will discover things that you find attractive and not so attractive in each other. You may see certain deal breakers in each other a week, a month, six months or longer from now that will put an end to your relationship regardless of how long you wait to have sex.

It is important to remember that there is simply no way to ensure that the guy you are going out with will want to be in a relationship with you, no matter how many precautions you take and how long you make a guy wait to have sex with you. There is a opinion out there that we value that which we work for. However, that claim is only true when  we actually like what we earn. A guy is not going to appreciate that girl who delivered mediocre sexual experience after making him wait for a long time, just like you are not going to appreciate expensive yet uncomfortable and poorly made shoes or a dress that you bought just because you spent a lot of money on it. Having said this, there are several easy and practical steps that every single woman can and should take to increase her chances of getting where she wants to with the guy that she started seeing:

a. This might sound trivial but not all guys are the same. They don’t all respond the same way to the same female behavior. What might attract one guy may annoy the other guy. There is no single rule of how long you should wait or should make the guy wait in order to make sure that he is interested in having a relationship with you. There isn’t a magic number of times or number of weeks or months you need to wait before you have sex with a guy that will guarantee a long-term relationship with him. It’s a safer choice not to have sex on a first date. If the guy is interested and you like him, having a few dates before having sex is fun and builds sexual attention and anticipation. If the guy gave up on talking to you because you refused to have sex with him the same night you met him or on your first date, it’s a sure sign that he was only interested in sex. However, if you feel and want to have sex after 4-5 dates, there is nothing inappropriate about it. If the guy bails on you after having sex at that point, there is not much you can do about it, and you just have to accept it as a natural part of the dating process, because the opposite can happen as well. Imagine a situation where you don’t want to see the guy you had sex with after 4-5 dates because you found out something about it sexually or otherwise that made you lose interest. It’s not impossible for something like this to happen.

b. You will likely get much further with a guy you are dating if instead of making him wait or testing him, you put a different and a much more positive spin on the whole situation. Tell him that you want your first time with him to be special, because you like him and because you think that he is special. Tell him that you really want him as well (if you do) but you are not quite ready yet, and you are flattered by his sexual advances.

c. Making out, and going a little further is ok, but don’t go “half way”. If you are laying naked next to him and you touch each other all over and tease each other and then you push him away, it will likely frustrate him, and will make him feel like you are just playing games with him. And, the more he wants you, the more frustrated and even angry with you he will likely be at that point. The worst thing a girl can do is start giving the guy a blow job or a hand job and then stop before making him cum. There is absolutely no benefit in doing that. If you started something like that, be ready to finish, or don’t start at all.

d. Finally, you should not feel used by a guy if he stops seeing you after having sex with you, because if you liked him and enjoyed having sex with him, you used him as much as he used you. You need to remember that most people who start seeing each other do not end up in a relationship for one or more of many reasons. This is just raw statistics and it’s normal. Guys move on from one girl to another and girls do the same until they find someone they like, they want to be with and where it’s mutual.

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About practicalh

Practical, effective dating tips and relationship advice.
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  1. There really is no magic number.

  2. There is allot of good advice here, but I am going to repeat something I said yesterday in “giving up is on the rise”. Allot of women have a tendency to put sex on a pedestal and ascribe more importance to it than is warranted (sex is of course important, just not the be all and end all). I feel like if you have sex for the right reasons, ie you want to and feel good about it then more often then not you wont regret it. If the guy bolts afterwords he was a bad guy who wouldn’t have worked out anyway so the only thing that is lost is 1 on the number, which if you were having sex for the right reasons doesn’t really matter. If on the other hand you want to have sex for the wrong reasons like low self esteem, insecurity, being pressured etc, don’t do it. These are the situations were adding to your number is damaging. After all the number is just a number, what matters is the cumulative effect of the number, if you had sex with one man and that emotionally damaged you that is far worse than having sex with 10 men that you felt good about and don’t regret.

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