A reader asks:
Hi! I have really enjoyed your articles and videos within the Practical Happiness channel on YouTube Really tremendous work! I have learned and used several very useful and effective tips that you’ve suggested and found success on more than one occasion! Thank you! However, I am currently in a situation in which I believe you can help me. I have been very good friends with a girl for over two years. During most of the two years she was in an on-and-off relationship with a guy for a majority of time I’ve known her. Now she broke up with him a few months back. Ever since she started to realize that her relationship was going down the hill, we’ve become very close and supportive and have told each other things no-one else knows. I guess you could say we’ve found comfort and solitude in one another. I found that I could talk to her about my previous relationship and vice-versa. During her past few months as single, she’s had 4 close friends having “come out of the closet” so to say, by confessing about having feelings for her. At the moment, she doesn’t really talk or socialize with them at all.
About a month ago, when we were out with a group of friends (along with the girl), another female friend of mine confronted me and the girl when the two of us where talking to each other. She very straight-forwardly asked both of us “Why aren’t the two of you dating?” We awkwardly looked at each other and smiled very gently. This sort of situation in which we are mistakenly considered as a couple, has occurred too often, to be honest. And during those instances, when it has been pointed out to us, I’ve for the first time in two years begun to think differently about the relationship between us and am therefore no longer capable of seeing her as just a friend. What’s more, several close male and female friends have noticed and later told me, that the chemistry between us is without question there and very obvious, both the way we communicate with each other verbally and also physically, add the touches, stroking and smiles.
To link this story with the title about “timing”, then I really feel I’ve run against a brick wall here. In my eyes, timing couldn’t be worse mainly due to the fact that a couple of months ago she just came out from a very long relationship, and also because of the 4 male friends who confessed having feelings for her. Since all of it came in a very short period of time, I do feel that it is way too early for me to “make my move” or so to say, as I would simply be yet another good friend that suddenly wants something more. However, quite a few friends of mine, whom I’ve asked advice for, have suggested that if I decide NOT to give her the impression that I am, in fact, interested in her, then by the time she’s finally over her past relationship, she might start to choose from the guys that WERE interested in her. That list of guys, though, may not include me then, for she would have no idea about my feelings. Several friends have advised me to kiss her. Just find a moment and see what happens. Also to get drunk and do the same. The latter is definitely not a favourable option. Okay, yes, I could explain myself that sorry, I was drunk (if she happens to reject me), but I don’t see alcohol as means of showing affection or a sudden source of additional self-confidence. Some have suggested just telling her. Confront her right on and tell her. And yes, I am afraid of her response. But then again, if I don’t, I’ll never find out, will I. And that’s a whole lot worse than rejection . Thank you!
I don’t know how old you are, but I will assume you are around college age. I completely agree that alcohol should not be a crutch in this situation, after you establish a solid non-romantic connection. Kissing her out of the blue is not a good idea either, just like it is telling her how you feel about her. This kind of move will put too much pressure on her and will make her feel cornered, as she did with those other guys she pushed away, unless she is already crazy about you.
Instead, in order to find out if you can be more than friends with her, you should try to make a move by gradually escalating the physical aspect of your interactions with her, and see how she responds to those advances. Sit/stand a little closer to her, touch her shoulder, hair, arms, casually more often than usual when you see her and when you talk to her. You don’t have to do it in an overtly sexual or aggressive way, but in a way that suggests that you simply admire her beauty. If she doesn’t push you away or doesn’t look uncomfortable when you are trying to get close to her, then keep moving in that direction at a pace that seems comfortable to both of you, being mindful of not moving too fast and not hovering over her all the time. Also, try to do things that are a little more romantic when you are with her to make it feel more like a date, such as walking in the park, sitting at intimate cafes, etc… Go dancing with her if possible. Then, when the moment is right – when you are alone and stand close enough to each other, slowly but confidently lean forward and kiss her.
There are no guarantees that making a move on a girl this way will work, but based on her response when someone thought you were a couple, it’s possible that she is just waiting for you to make a move. Don’t make her way too long. It has been long enough, and it’s time to take action. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. The best case scenario – you will be in for an exciting romantic and sexual adventure. Worst case scenario – you find out that she is not interested in you that way, which is again good news, because at least you get your answers and you don’t need to wonder anymore.