I felt I wasn’t special enough to the guys I was dating on so many occasions. I have had a few boyfriends and dated men in the past, but I never experienced receiving gifts or getting the kind of attention and affection I wanted from them. I hated Valentine’s Day and hated when friends posted pictures of their boyfriend’s sending them flowers and chocolate.
I kept telling myself that “I didn’t care”, “My boyfriend loves me and he doesn’t need flowers to show he cares” but then deep inside of me a voice said something different. I questioned myself. “Am I not good enough to get flowers? Why can’t I get what I want? Why can’t I be the girl that gets surprised by her boyfriend?”
Now my life is very different. With my current boyfriend, I pretty much get what my heart desires. He’s happy to take me on trips, take me to my favorite restaurant, or surprise me with a gift. I don’t manipulate or deceive him, and I’m definitely not a gold digger.
Let me explain. Since we started dating, I made it a point to let him know what I like and wanted and why. If I don’t tell him, how would he know?! I tell him in a subtle but playful manner what I want and like. I give hints, and it’s up to him when and how to do it, and whether to do it at all. For instance, I tell my boyfriend, “I love having your strong arms around me when we cuddle. It makes me feel safe”. And I mean every single word. I absolutely love cuddling, but he really wasn’t into it. Well, after I told him that I loved cuddling and that it made me feel safe with him, he started to make an effort. Now we cuddle without me asking or pushing him to put his arms around me. This is what he said to me the other night, “I miss you when you’re not laying next to me. I hate not being able to hold you while I sleep.” How did I make this happen? Because I told him what I told him what I wanted him and why.
During my past relationships, I made the mistake of never sharing with men what I wanted or liked. I actually used to say “I hate getting flowers… they eventually die. Such a waste of money”. Then wonder why none of the guys I dated ever got me flowers. I left the guy in the dark and he was clueless of what I liked. (Poor guys) I thought “he should know what I like and I shouldn’t have to tell him” or “It’s common sense. Of course I would love to get flowers and chocolate.” or probably the worse “Maybe I’m just not the type of girl that gets gifts and gets showered with surprises”. I thought I shouldn’t have to tell him what I wanted because I assumed he would know or what’s the point of telling him? I already know he’s not going to do it. However, as I later realized, all those thoughts in my head were just thoughts. Of course I didn’t get flowers, because I kept telling them I disliked flowers.
About a year ago, I took the Love Language test. It turned out that ‘gift giving’ was a way for me to feel loved and appreciated and vice versa. This does not mean I need to get a Tiffany’s bracelet to know that my boyfriend loves me. What I need is any kind of small gift as a gesture showing to me that my boyfriend thinks and cares about me.
Now that my boyfriend knows what I like and want, he knows what to do to make me happy. For Valentine’s Day, I received the best V-Day gift ever! My boyfriend gave me a sweet thoughtful card with great seats to the Bull’s game (I told him I liked going to the Bull’s game with my favorite seating area) and a pair of shoes.
This is a big change for me from my last relationship. My ex-boyfriend actually told me he’s not the type of guy to give gifts.He actually hated giving gifts. I dusted it off either hoping he would change or hoping that I wouldn’t care. Well, the relationship ended because I felt unappreciated and not loved. It seemed to have become more of a roommate situation than a relationship.
So, why do I mention this? – Because at one point in my life I felt that I didn’t deserve a great guy that wanted to make me happy, and that it would never happen for me. After my 2.5 year relationship break-up with my ex I felt unattractive, unsexy and lost. It’s as if I was living in a daze and being recently single… I felt lonely. I was not happy with my previous relationship or any other relationship. I was not happy with myself, and I wasn’t much fun around my friends either. I didn’t feel sexy because I didn’t take care of myself emotionally. I didn’t know how to overcome it. A new haircut or a dress only made me feel sexy for that 1 day. I would get advice to just feel sexy. “Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can wear” blah blah advice with no concrete action steps.
I then decided to take a very different approach to my dating life. If other women could get their dream guy and get what they wanted, why couldn’t I?! I started learning all kinds of ideas and tips from successful relationship experts and from people who were known to be charismatic how to get what you want out of your dating life and your partner. Then, at some point a simple truth struck me as obvious – there is nothing wrong with asking a guy for what you want out of your relationship. As long as you don’t make ultimatums or sound high maintenance, asking for things cannot hurt, and this is how you actually get what you want. I say this because you can get the same results as I do by simply asking for things that would make you feel special and loved. You could be the woman who gets that man of her dreams and the things you want from him. Believe it or not but it actually makes men happy to know he can make you happy. So, just give him a few tips about what you like, and you might just be surprised by how happy he is to make them happen. Again – you are not demanding anything. You are just sharing within what small things make you happy and then leave the ball in their court.
Claudia Telles is the Founder and owner of , a Dating and Relationship website. She helps career oriented, educated and ambitious women get the guy they want. She has her Master’s in Public Health Policy and Administration and owns a small business consulting company.
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