A reader asks: “How would I got about talking to a girl on Facebook, who I have mutual friends with, but who I don’t know personally without coming across as creepy?”
First, the concern of coming across as creepy in this situation is very real real and valid, and that’s one reason I have never been a big fan of contacting random girls on Facebook. Many girls have mentioned to me that they find it creepy and stalkerish when some guy they met in person somewhere would look them up on Facebook and try to add them. The risk of coming across as creepy is even greater when you try to add a girl you never met in person. Having said that, there are a few things you can do to minimize this risk and to increase the chances of having her respond more favorably to you and actually writing back to you:
1. Make sure that your own Facebook page flatters you and it doesn’t have anything lame on it.
Chances are that the first thing that the girl is going to do once you contact her on Facebook is going on your page and checking you out. Make sure you don’t have any photos or other information that would make you come across as some kind of freak or someone who lives his whole through Facebook. You are probably better off having a more plain and conservative page and a timeline that’s not too controversial. Remember, if that girl you are trying to connect with on Facebook is attractive and has a lot of friends, many guys will be trying to talk to her both in real life and in Facebook. Being forced to filter many guys due to the sheer amount of the attention she is getting, she will be instinctively looking for a reason to dismiss you.
Make sure you don’t have anything on your page that will give her that reason not to write back. This doesn’t mean that your page has to be boring, but there are ways to make your page interesting in a classy in a sophisticated way. For instance, instead of posting pictures of you drinking with your buddies at a club or posting silly videos from Youtube, post an interesting quote from a good writer/philosopher, or a picture of a famous person you admire, or link to an interesting article on an issue that everyone generally cares about.
2. When writing to her for the first time on Facebook, acknowledge that your move is possibly creepy, don’t be too forward, and ask her a question at the end. Also, don’t write anything lame to her.
It’s best that during your initial contact, you don’t tell her how attractive she is and how much you would love to meet her. It’s much better if you ask her something about what you see on your page, assuming that her privacy settings allow for it after acknowledge the possibility of coming off as creepy. For instance, if you see a picture of her standing next to an Eiffel Tower, you can write something like this
“Hey (Name), we don’t know each other, and I don’t mean to be creepy, but your picture with an Eiffel Tower brought some good memories from my trip to Paris a few years ago. When did you go there? And have you gone anywhere else in France besides Paris?” – asking a question at the end of your message is a very effective way to compel her to respond, as people are much more likely to answer the questions you ask, than simply respond to what you said.
If she responds, continue the conversation. If she doesn’t, do not follow up and live her alone. And you should certainly avoid writing anything sexual to her or posting lame comments on her photos, like so many other guys do. If you start talking, exchange 4-5 messages and then suggest talking on the phone or meeting in person, so it doesn’t look like you are just bored and have nothing better to do than sit around and chat on Facebook.
3. Do your homework by talking to your mutual friend before you contact her.
It couldn’t hurt asking your mutual friend whether that girl you want to talk to is single, whether he thinks it’s ok for you to contact her, and whether there is anything you need to know about her, and what she likes.
