Reader Asks: “I am in my early twenties. I met this guy a few weeks ago and we really clicked. We went out on a number of dates, and I really feel like we are developing a connection. However, throughout this whole time I made it look like I had prior relationships, etc.. when in fact I am a virgin. I am concerned that when the times comes for us to have sex, the truth is going to come out and it’s going to ruin things or feel embarrassing to me. What should I do?”
PH Answers:
I strongly believe that you should share the fact that you are a virgin with that guy for at least three reasons:
First, for many guys hearing this is good news, especially if he is as serious about you as you hope he is. Knowing that he is your first, and that you are in a sense “pure”, is likely to be a pleasant surprise to him, as no guy runs into too many virgins this day and age, let alone a woman in her 20’s. So, this is something you should be proud of rather than being ashamed of, regardless of your environment, religious convictions or anything else.
Secondly, being open about your lack of sexual experience earlier rather than later in your interaction with him will take a lot of pressure off of you. Imagine breaking this barrier, not having to make up stories anymore and not having to act like you are experienced when you are not.
Lastly, as an inexperienced lover, you are bound to make mistakes or not to be as much “fun” in bed as a woman who has at least some sexual experience. These potential shortcomings will be completely understandable to your guy if he knows that you are a “novice”. However, the same issues might be a serious turn-off and being misinterpreted as lack of passion on your part, if he doesn’t know that you are a virgin, while having sex with you for the first time.
You may be concerned about bringing this up, thinking that this would suggest to him that you are asking to have sex with him, but you can do this subtly and indirectly. For instance, you can casually and even playfully bring up in a conversation that you are still waiting to be intimate until you meet the right guy who you would have a connection with and feelings for. This will surely arouse his curiosity and will convey the message that he will be your first.
as a man i tried to tell my experienced wife i was not a virgin in our first sex session and it took her all of 1 min to say “hey you have not done this before”. A guy may give a woman a lot of room to not point it out, but a woman is very quick to know if a man is not experienced and not as forgiving as you would think