When She Says That She Is Not Ready For a Relationship

A question from a reader:  “I met this girl. We went out on a few dates, and I started to really like her and develop feelings for her. Then, out of the blue, she tells me that she is not ready to be in a relationship. What should I do, and how should I respond to what she says about not wanting a relationship?” 

This is actually a common situation. One of the typical reasons that a girl would say that she is not interested in a relationship is because you are being too forward and too eager, while she is not quite where you are as far as how you feel about each other goes, at least yet. That girl wants to make sure that she doesn’t give you the wrong impression or mislead you into believing that she likes you just as much as you like her, just to be on a safe side.

It’s quite possible that one of the reasons that she feels that way is because she recently went through a bad break-up or was seriously disappointed in a guy who she started liking a lot, and now she tried to take precautionary measure to do what she can to avoid going through the same thing again.

Did you already tell her how you feel about her after two dates? Did you make the mistake of tell her all about how special you think she is? If so, it might have freaked her out and made her want to make it clear to you that she doesn’t yet know how she feels about you. Did you overwhelm her with too many compliments and told her too many times how special you think she is? If so, this might cause her to react by pushing you back a little as well. Did you try to make future plans with her to travel together? Then, she probably wants to make it clear that she cannot plan things with you that far ahead, since you don’t know each other that well yet.

So, where to go from here?

First, regardless of what happens with this girl, in the future, make sure that you don’t make the same mistakes that would lead a girl to telling you that she doesn’t want a relationship. The good rule to follow is not to tell the girl that you like her until it’s pretty clear to you that she likes you very much as well. And even then – there is no need to use these exact words. It might sound romantic in movies, but in real life saying “I like you” or “I start having feelings for you” or “I can imagine my life without you” will make the girl go “ewww” on the inside, making her assume that you are one needy, desperate guy.

If, however, you have already done the damage to your present situation, and she told you she doesn’t want a relationship, don’t necessarily take it literally. First, it’s possible that you don’t really know what you want from her, even though you might think you do. Secondly, the fact that she says that she doesn’t want a relationship doesn’t mean that she doesn’t like you or that she won’t want to date you later, once she gets to know you better. It’s possible that she does, but she wants to make it clear that she wants to take things slow or at least slower than she thinks you want to.

Therefore, the best response to a girl who says that she is not ready for a relationship is saying semi playfully: “Relationship? Not sure what you mean. I thought it was strictly business.” or  “I just want to be friends anyway” or simply say “Ok”, making a facial expressions that suggests that you don’t know what she is talking about and that it doesn’t really matter. Then move on to talk about whatever you wanted to talk about otherwise. Then, continue doing what you would be doing otherwise, as if this relationship talk never even came up. Be as flirtatious and sexual as you would otherwise be or a little slower to adjust your behavior, but don’t assume she is not interested just because of what she said.

In sum, don’t place too much importance on that “I don’t want a relationship” talk. It often doesn’t mean much one way or the other, and you should pay attention to her behavior and actions much more than how she is trying to define what the two of you have.