If you have been single for way longer than you would like to, chances are that this is for one of the following reasons that you might or might not have considered so far. It’s time to take an honest look at whether one or more of the points below applies to you. Addressing most of these issues is a realistic goal, but it does require that you first be brutally honest with yourself about having them:
1. You are not approachable. Your demeanor and your energy make you unapproachable. You look angry or stuck up when you are out and about. You are always on your phone with your headphones on so one can really come up and talk to you when you are out and about. When any guy checks you out, even if in the most respectful way, you immediately turn away, making it clear to him that his interest is unwelcome. When a guy does approach you, you assume the worst about them and you cut them off quickly. You dismiss men prematurely before you give them and yourself a chance – this can happen during the approach or during your initial chats on dating apps or even on dates. You have come to believe in this Hollywood-born idea that if there isn’t an instant spark within 15 minutes of talking to a guy, then there is nothing there, which is so often self-defeating.
2. You have unrealistic standards. I am not saying you should settle for anyone or anything that doesn’t make you happy, and that you don’t deserve a great partner. However, if you are looking for perfection and refuse to accept anything less, you literally allow the perfect to be the enemy of someone imperfect yet at the same time – great. A guy who is a bit shorter than you would like could be super interesting/funny, which would make you overlook his height completely, as you may have already experienced in the past. A guy who is a bald might just be the best lover in bed you have ever had. In the end, many women learn that generally men are collections of flaws and great qualities that make up for those flaws from their own experience and become more flexible as they get a bit older.
3. You are not making the most out of your appearance. There are things you might be able to fix about your appearance with just enough effort. You can lose weight, you could wear more flattering clothes, and fix your hair. You can choose not to get tattoos or piercings all over your body and not get an ugly hair color. but there are always things you can’t change about the way you look – your height, your facial features, etc… The good news is that if you are not overweight and if you have a decent style, most likely you are attractive enough to find a partner. Very few women, who are not overweight and who have decent style, are so unattractive that no guy would be attracted to them.
4. You are incapable of developing attachment / connection with any guy. This might be the most relevant factor in modern dating. You have gone on so many pointless dates with random guys that you no longer care about any particular guy you meet, and this shows in your low-effort behavior – from your initial text messages or messages on dating apps, to your conversations on dates, your appearance, and everything else you do to develop that situation into something bigger. It’s hard for any guy to get excited about a woman who doesn’t seem to be excited about him or excited about dating in general. The good news is that if you commit to taking a break from dating – a few months or longer, your excitement is likely to be revived and you can start a new chapter of dating again.
5. Your basic personality traits turn off just about every guy you meet. This could be as simple and as common as you talking way too much on your dates, which the men find nothing short of exhausting. You surely have been around people who just can’t shut up, so you know exactly how it feels being around them. Or, you are too uptight, too easily offended, you can’t agree to disagree, every little thing is a big deal to you, you can’t forgive an argument or you can’t apologize. Perhaps you bought into this whole boss babe idea where you act domineering for the sake of being dominant, which pushes men away. You are too political which turns off the guys you meet because they are looking for a lover / partner; not a political science debate opponent. If any of this is true, it might be time to at least consider taking your foot off the pedal of this type of argumentativeness, because it is so counterproductive to the most basic notion of romantic attraction.
6. You come across as materialistic and you don’t even realize it. You may think you don’t come across as materialistic because you don’t outright tell the men you meet that you expect expensive gifts or high-cost lifestyle, but there are things you may be doing (or wearing) that imply this. This includes suggesting going on dates to very expensive restaurants and ordering the most expensive items on the menu, wearing all the high-end brands top to bottom, wearing way too much makeup, perfume and generally looking like you are way too processed and you spend way too much time and money on your appearance, talking about how wealthy your exes were and how they took you to all these expensive vacations and bought you expensive gifts implying that that’s what you expect and that’s the standard the next guy should live up to. Talking about your career and future career goals non-stop may also suggest that you are hyperfocused on money and being with you will be a financial competition.
7. Your social media presence raises huge red flags. If your Instagram page is full of your borderline soft porn pictures along with hundreds of comments from thirsty guys, this is going to be an issue for just about any guy who is looking for a serious partner. And the more the guy starts liking you, the more this will bother him.
8. You refuse to learn from your past mistakes. You keep going for the wrong type of guys just because of your initial attraction to them and intrigue, and you never stop and ask yourself – do all of my prior failures have anything in common? Did you do or say something that caused that situation go south? Did you try dating the guys you shouldn’t have in the first place because of their lifestyle?
9. You live in an area where there are no suitable, available men. Maybe you are really attracted to blue-collar, masculine rugged guys but you live in a white color enclave. Or, the opposite is true – you live in a blue-collar town but you feel that you can only have a connection with a white-collar, professional guy. Not being in physical proximity of the type of guys you would like to be with will obviously make it much harder meeting them, let alone dating them, and moving might be the only option to address this.
10. You are too busy. If you constantly work, go to school and travel non stop, and it takes you weeks of back-and-forth messaging with any guy to even set up you first date, how could you possibly expect any guy to look forward to getting to know you better and focus on you? I am not saying you shouldn’t be ambitious about your career goals, but you have to embrace the reality that there are only 24 hours in a day, so you have to pick and choose what you want to do and who you want to spend time with. If you don’t make time for meeting men and dating, no one else will. I promise you that no boss will ever come up to you and tell you that you should work less and take time more for yourself and your personal life, so it will be up to you to make the time to meet and date and make it easy for the men you meet to make plans with you.
I would love to add more to this checklist, so feel free to suggest ideas in the comments.
