Should You Be Aggressive on a First Date?

flirting first dateYou have been dating for a while. You have been meeting all kinds of girls – the younger and the older, the more and the less serious, the educated and funny and not so educated, the sarcastic and the uptight. You have dated girls of different races and walks of life. You think you are familiar with just about every kind of a woman out there, and now, you recognize the type fairly early after all of those experiences.

Now you know what kind of woman you want to develop a meaningful relationship with, and what/who you want to avoid.  You can also remember going out on quite a few dates where you ended up making out with a girl on a first date or going further than that just a few hours after meeting her, but then you late realized that she is not someone you want to see again, because for whatever reason you don’t see yourself dating her.

But what if the opposite happens? You met a girl who you thought was amazing. You wanted to talk to her and see her again because she stands out so much in your mind form just about any other girl you met during the past few months or even year. You thought your date with her went great and that she liked you too, but surprisingly, she never returned your calls or texts after that seemingly having a great time on that first date.

So, what went wrong?

The answer is often the same – you were way too aggressive on that first date. Even though she played along and looked like she was into you just as much as you were into her, she already made up her mind that you are not a prospect for a serious relationship, and you are only good to play with for a few hours on a date or in bed. This is in part because she immediately assumed that if you moved that fast with her, it means you move this fast with any girl you meet and you are not likely to stick around, so why even bother to take you seriously. Or, she might be embarrassed by her own behavior and feels like any decent relationship should start on the “right” foot. It can also be a combination of both of the above reasons.  If you meet a great girl and you want to take it further than a casual date or two or a one night stand, if you find her to be more interesting and more special than others shortly after you meet her, it is really is worth considering not being aggressive on that first date and postponing physical contact for later.

Imagine sticking to the following rule – when you go out with a girl on a first date, you give her a hug and you don’t make any other physical contact with her at all except perhaps occasional touching on her arm/shoulder when it is seemingly needed and “relevant” as you talk to her, help her with her coat, etc. At the end of that first date, you give her a hug again and/or a peck on the chick, but nothing more. You don’t even try kissing her.

If your date otherwise went will, this kind of behavior on your part will powerfully communicate a few things to her about you, especially if the girl is very attractive, has a lot of sex appeal, and is used to guys drooling over her. First, your non-aggressive behavior will show to her her that you are not desperate to get laid, and that kissing her or having sex with her is not an urgent matter to you. You are not dying to have her, just like about every other guy she met. Secondly, you are picky – you are still trying to determine whether you like her, and it’s not that obvious to her that you do. You are one of the very few guys out there who is looking to get to know her and not try to jump her bones right away, because you are looking for more than just looks, and if a nice body and a pretty face is all she has to offer, it’s not going to cut it for you.

After that kind of first date, where you have a nice conversation with each other but without any touching or making out, and where she really liked you, it’s really going to make her wonder about how it is that you are so different from all those other guys that do and say whatever it takes to sleep with her as soon as possible. She might be used to making out with guys just a few hours into her first date, at which point she consciously or subconsciously decides to “just have fun”. However, this kind of non-aggressive behavior on your part is likely to make her take you more seriously as well, if for nothing else – because you seem to be trying to take her more seriously as well.

The same strategy might be appropriate if you meet someone at a bar. Instead of lingering around for hours, trying to get the girl drunk, wear her out with a conversation about nothing, and take her home, try a different strategy. If she looks like someone you might want to get to know better and date, and not just have a one-night stand, don’t try to have sex with her as soon as humanly possible. Get her one drink, if any at all, have a nice conversation with 20-30 minutes, ask for her contact information and politely excuse yourself. Enjoy building the anticipation of seeing each other again, and you will likely have plenty of time to get physically close to her late.

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About practicalh

Practical, effective dating tips and relationship advice.
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Spreadsheet Jockey
Spreadsheet Jockey
5 years ago

I can definitely relate to this.

Great Article.

5 years ago


6 years ago

Many of your posts hit me and I do not comment. But this one hit me rock bottom.

6 years ago
Reply to  StarsCollide

I am sorry – how so?