After working with several dozen of men and women on making their online dating profiles more interesting and attractive, it is clear to me that he number one mistake that both men and women make when writing that very first e-mail to a potential partner online is writing a message which is very generic and which looks like a boilerplate mass e-mail that goes out to a hundred people at the same time. Sometimes it’s very obvious – i.e. “I like your profile, let’s talk” or “Would you like to have a drink sometime?” and at other times it is a little less obvious but still look like a generic mass e-mail that can be sent to anyone: “You are very attractive and I like what you wrote on your page. I think I can relate to a lot of your ideas and goals and would like to get to know you better.” All of the above are bad ways to start a conversation online because they don’t make the person you write to feel like you wrote to them specifically. This is especially true with regard to women, who receive many generic messages from guys and after a while simply stop reading them, finding it both frustrating and disappointing that even the more educated and accomplished guys don’t put a little more effort into that initial contact.
Every woman wants to feel special even when she meets a guy on the internet, especially if she took the time and put an effort into making her onlined dating profile stand out and be more interesting and attractive than the average online dating profile that most other women have. No one cares of a message that says “I didn’t read your profile, I don’t care what you have to say and I am putting no effort at all into this.” As a guy, you are much better off addressing one or more things that she said on her page, rather than giving her a generic compliment that could apply to any woman.
You don’t have to be extremely creative to write a decent message. Even the most simple and the most common things that a woman mentions in her dating profile can be addressed in your message to her. For instance, if a woman says that she is shy at first and it takes her a while to warm up to a person she meets, you could say that you don’t think it’s a bad, and that it’s quite natural to be shy at first, and it’s probably better than the other extreme – being too outgoing too early on, before you even know who you are dealing with.
It’s much easier to write to a woman who lists a number of interests or hobbies in her profile. If she talks about hiking or traveling (almost everyone seems to be mentioning that in their profile), you can ask her where she went hiking most recently and what was her most memorable travel destination so far. If you happened to travel to the same area, it might open an interesting exchange of experiences.
If someone lists what they like and what they don’t like in other people, perhaps you can relate to your own specific experience where you can identify with the same likes and dislikes. For instance, if a guy or a woman say that they don’t like drama, you could say that you don’t like drama either, but at the same time you realize that some drama is an inevitable part of life, and it’s how we deal with it when it comes our way that makes a big difference.
And, of course, before you write to anyone, makes sure you read these three tips on making your online dating profile more attractive.
I recently had an intro email from a guy that started off with 'hi how are you? How's your week going?' and then went onto to say he'd just joined and asked how did I find the online dating, was I impressed, had I been on many dates, any tips? I never replied! Although I was tempted to ask if he was carrying out a survey on behalf of the website! It's quite disheartening to get an email from someone who seems more interested in finding out how you would rate your online dating experience than in getting to know you 🙁
Funny. This is a classic, super boring, generic and cliche e-mail. The guy probably meant well, but it's hard for him to imagine what it's like to be a woman on the other side, reading these kinds of messages over and over…. One thing that can help avoiding these kinds of messages or at least make it more likely that you get better messages, is making your profile more interesting and more throught provoking, so that the readers who are interesting themselves have an easier time writing something creative that will catch yor attention.
Actually, I don't really care that much about the content of the first message (exceptions: just "Hi :)" – Not enough. "You're beautiful" – Lame. "U r so gr8t" – No way."). I'd be happy with, "Hi, I liked your profile. Are you interested in meeting? How about on x? Or now, if you're available?" Then I'd check out his profile. What I look for:
*we have things in common
* do I think I might like his personality
* does it make sense that he contacts me (e.g. 30 years older – no, thank you)
If his profile meets my criteria, we can meet.
I agree completely with this article, Arkady.
I suspect that at least 90% of people make this mistake, and by making a unique message, that has a little more effort than just one sentence (but not too long), keep the message unique (while still relevant) and tailor it to him/her personally, rather than just something you can copy and paste to 50 other profiles, you will stand out from the crowd.
Looking further into this, the best way to get a non-generic message is to make sure your profile is non-generic and detailed. Some profiles I went to had very attractive photos, but they did not really write anything that would prompt an open-ended discussion, so I often have to skip to the next profile.
How do you deal with this kind of situation, Arkady?
Thank you and excellent point. It's easier to respond to a profile that's not generic. Many people also don't realize that it would be easier for them to find those special people who are not run of the mill if they made sure that their profile is not run of the mill.
One way to respond to a profile that doesn't have much to it is ask just that. Something along the lines of "You don't say much about yourself on your page beyond the typical, but I guess it's better than saying too much or bragging, like so many people do." And then you can ask about how did she spend her past weekend or what she is going to do during the upcoming weekend or something simple like that. Admittedly it's not easy to respond to a profile that's less than thought provoking, but there are some great people out there who don't bother, for one reason or another, to invest too much effort into writing. Many women believe, and rightfully so, that guys don't even read anything. They just look at the pictures. This is yet another reason why so many women don't write anything interesting on their profiles.
How long do you wait to reply to emails that you get?
I think same day a few hours later or next day is fine. Replying immediately is fine too, as long as it doesn't look that you always reply immediately and that you are always online.