On Approaching Women In the Era of Not Approaching

A few months ago I attended an event organized by two women who started the “Dateable” podcast. It was a very interesting talk, during which a wide range of dating and relationship issues were discussed. The speakers mentioned, among other things, that the most recent research clearly indicates that people are getting sick of the dating apps and are more and more interested in going back to meeting people in real life, focusing more on the quality than the quantity of who they meet and how.

Assuming that the above research is correct, you may also be one of those people who is interested in bringing the excitement of meeting people in person back into your life. If so, as a man you should be aware of one simple but undeniable reality of approaching women and being approached today, after we have lived through years of this real life approach “dormancy”:

It is going to be significantly harder for men to approach women, and for the women to be approached by men today than ever before.

The reason for this is very simple yet undeniable -approaching, being approached and initiating conversations with strangers is an art. It’s skill that takes practice to become good at -from overcoming the stage fright of coming up to a woman, to knowing what to say, how, and to whom. Like in many other areas of life, when it comes to approaching and being approached -when you don’t use it, you lose it. And if you have never used it, chances are you have never had it in the first place.

Indeed, we have so much less practice talking to strangers today than even 15–20 years ago. Think about it -what was the last time someone asked you what time it was? When was the last time someone asked you for directions? We have our smartphones that give us all the answers, so we no longer have a reason to ask strangers those types of questions. You may think that this is not a significant factor, but it is- it’s part of the regular practice of being comfortable with stopping people, interrupting their “flow” and talking to them.

It goes without saying that men pretty much have stopped approaching women because they haven’t had. They have had the other option -dating apps. Relying solely on these apps for years has surely atrophied the men’s approach muscle and their ability to get out of their comfort zone and initiate conversations with women in casual, typical situations. At the same time, women are hardly being approached, so they don’t really expect or hope to be approached by men these days. Many of those women don’t really care about it, because they are perfectly fine relying on the pipeline of men they have on Tinder / Bumble. Women who are not being approached and who don’t really care about being approached are going to act accordingly. They are going to act even more uninterested in the men around them both because they don’t care if anyone talks to them, and also because they don’t have any hope or expectations that any guy will actually come up and hit on them, since again -it almost never happens anymore.

So, what does this all mean to you, as as man who wants to go back to approaching and meeting women in real life?

You have to recognize that your approaching skills are likely to be inferior now because of the circumstances you are in, and it will take some practice to become better at coming up to women and talking to them. You should also embrace the fact that the women today are harder to approach than before because they are also out of practice of being approached and dealing with talking to guys they have never met before. Approaching and meeting women has never been easy for guys, no matter when and where you lived. It’s not supposed to be easy. But, given these modern circumstances we are in, you should expect the initial awkwardness of your conversations with women and women’s skepticism toward you be even greater than it has ever been. It will take longer for a woman to warm up to you and to get used to the idea of talking to you. This has nothing to do with you or the quality of your approach; it’s just a natural, behavioral consequence of women stepping away from meeting people in real life for years and then coming back “rusty”.

Your male persistence and not giving up too quickly after you start a conversation with a woman is more important to approaching women and generating any type of excitement from those interactions today than ever before. Don’t give up on that conversation right away, just because you experienced an awkward silence, or because you are at a loss of words, or because she appears to be aloof and indifferent during those first moments of you talking to her. Give it a few more moments. Use it as a challenging and fun lesson of breaking barriers and seeing where things go. Ask another question. Make another, follow up observation to keep that interaction going. Your conversation might or might not evolve into something warmer and better, but regardless of the outcome -it will be an invaluable lesson and a huge boost in confidence that you so need in this area of life.

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Practical, effective dating tips and relationship advice.
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Dean Jackson
Dean Jackson
4 months ago

I am gay.

Dean from Dunstable.

Dean Jackson
Dean Jackson
4 months ago
Reply to  Dean Jackson